They Never Even Saw Me Coming

Flying well under the radar . . noon on a Friday, no kids with me, plain white polo shirt. . I walked through the grocery store today and completely robbed them blind. I'm telling this story not to be boastful, but rather to open your eyes to the feeling of complete power that can be achieved in the aisles of your local supermarket. For those Dads who miss the old job, the feeling of accomplishment after a good day of work doing whatever it was you used to do, I have discovered the ultimate substitute. I've posted before about my shopping scheme, but that story was more about inventory control and menu variation than it was about saving money. Today it's straight cash homey.

I told Mandi yesterday that after looking through the weekly specials and my coupons, I felt like I could save a bunch of money. She didn't seem to think there were a lot of good deals this week . . what male wouldn't take that as a direct challenge? She had the day off today, so I talked her into letting me go to the store by myself while she stayed home with Lily. Actually, I had to agree to let her go spend a small fortune at Kohl's in return, so we'll call that a tie.

So as I finished my trip through the store, meticulously checking items off my list and counting my coupons, I surveyed the landscape to find what I thought would be the most unsuspecting cashier/bagger combo. That time of day was slim pickings, but the pair I decided on were prime targets. The forty-something cashier was half asleep and daydreaming out in front of the register when I approached, having surely just returned from her lunch break. The bagger, who, judging from her eagerness and fold-creased pants was in her second day on the job, actually bumped into the bag-stand she was in such a hurry to ask my preference of packaging material. As they were wrapping up my transaction they had to call the service manager to validate something. So with the three of them standing there and the 32" receipt printing out, the cashier does what they're asked to do, which is to circle the "total savings" near the bottom and then tell me how much it is. As she began to speak, she looked up at me and said "You saved uh . . A hundred and two sixty three!" All three of their jaws dropped just a little bit, the bagger's probably a little more than the other two, not because that's better than anyone ever does, but because they never expected it from a guy. In that moment I felt like I had won some sort of contest, one in which I was a huge underdog. As she handed me the receipt, mouth still agape, I smiled and gave her the subtlest of winks as I turned to leave. Few feelings rival what I felt in that moment . . it was a pure, one-sided ass kicking, and I was on the right end of it.